I bet he comes in French.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
