dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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