I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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