these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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