The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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