so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
