I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
The power of my boobs compel you
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
