Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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