i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
