my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
