I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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