I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
