I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
