I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
