I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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