we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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