either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
