i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
