Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
