how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
you had me at cake vodka
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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