I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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