Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
