1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
