Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
