i just sent this text using only my big toe
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
