ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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