I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
