I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
