You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
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