How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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