my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize