Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Gay?
German.
Pity.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
