Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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