i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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