Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
