all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
