I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
