she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
