I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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