I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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