You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
