Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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