I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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