New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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