i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
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