if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
My penis needs a shock collar
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
