My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
