ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
