Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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