you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
