i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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