I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
