we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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