I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
