I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
