i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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