i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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