Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
That's when you crack a 10am beer
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
